Chris chan

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{{Chrischanbar}}
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Chris-Chan is the TRUE AND ORIGINAL Superhero Secret Identity of the Honest IAN BRANDON ANDERSON, or by his Alter-Ego Christian Ricardo Weston Higgle Dee Durf Sugar Tits Chandler. By day, Chris-Chan is the MAN CHILD we all know. By night, he is the MAN CHILD we all know watching the Adult Swim. But sometime in Between, I go out as Chris-Chan, the AUTISTIC SUPERHERO!
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I Patrol the city of CWCville at RANDOM INTERVALS. My main power is Throwing Pairs of my DIRTY CRAPPED BRIEFS at the Bad Guys! But when ALL ELSE FAILS, I Remove my Pants and My Anus becomes a Swirling Vortex that pulls Everything In! Nothing is too Big or Small to be sucked in! That's how I Catch the Bad Guys and they go to CWCville Jail!
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[[Image:I Am Not IAN BRANDON SOMETHING.gif|thumb|150px|[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsyhCUYJoI8 IAN BRANDON SOMETHING!!!]]]
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[[Image:Scarychris.jpg|thumb|150px|Fun Fact: [[facepalm|He actually wears that medallion in public.]]]]
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[[Image:Chris-chan self portrait.jpg|thumb|150px|An example of Chris's [[shit|incredible artistic...err, autistic talent]].]]
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[[Image:CWCBitchesDunno.png|thumb|150px|Chris is a [[Tard|High Functioning Autistic]].]]
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[[Image:imfamous.jpg|thumb|150px|If Chris had a game, it would be a [[PS3]] exclusive.<br><br>"NEVAR on [[Xbox 360|HEX BAWX]]!" As Chris would say.]]
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[[Image:Cwcspin-UncleBastard.gif|thumb|150px|[[Meatspin|You spin me right round Chrissy right round, like a]] [[pedo|pedofork]]-baby, [[Meatspin|right round round round]].]]
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Of Course, most of the time, there are the Citizens of CWCville complaining to Me about how Bad Guys are running around Burning down the Soup Hotels, but I am Autistic and I regularly Suffer from THE STRESS, so I can't always Save the City!
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Behold, ''the'' Mistake of [[GodJesus|God]]: '''Christian Weston Chandler.'''
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<center>{{#ev:youtube|Bx6MF90NcTo}}</center>
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Born February 24, 1982, Christian is a naïve, [[Pervert|perverse]], [[Fat|overweight]], [[racist]], [[Pedobear|pedophilic]], [[God hates fags|homophobic]], self-proclaimed "[[Retard|high-functioning]] [[autistic]]" virgin [[manchild]], and creator of his own [[Cool story bro|skillfully-drawn]] series of comics starring [[Penis|Sonichu]] - his supremely [[Retarded|insightful]] crossover of [[Gay|Pikachu]] and [[Retard|Sonic]]. As well as "suffering" from autism, Chris also suffers from a terminal case of [[AnjelFeather22|unwarranted self-importance]], the only cure for which would be to remove his head from his consequently [[goatse|gaping]] ass. At the time of this writing, Chris has found neither the time nor the conviction to do so.
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'''Sigmond Freud's phsychological evaluation of Chris-chan'''
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Other names for Chris-Chan include: CWC, クリスちゃん, [[Spic|Ricardo]] Weston Chandler, [[Ian]] [[Brandon]] Anderson, Ian Brannon Something, The Impostor, [[:Image:Sammyandchrisfromcomics.png|Sammy]], Antonio,  [[Metal Gear Solid|Solid Chris]], [[Asperchu]] or any other lulzy names trolls can make up for him, which will make him [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsyhCUYJoI8 throw a tantrum]. 
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[[Image:Freud.jpg]]
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The most notable physical characteristic of Chris, beyond the obvious corpulence, is that he wears a crayola model magic [[Fag|medallion]] around his neck ''at all times'' in homage to his yellow Sonic re-color. '''''In public.''''' As if that weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has [[over 9000|a shitload]] of medallions: The [[Nigger|"Black Sonichu" medallion]], and the [[Whore|"Rosechu" medallion]] ([[unrealistic expectations|which he planned on giving to his sweetheart]]), suggesting that he has ''far'' [[Unemployed|too much free time on his hands]]. Which, of course, he does, because [[b|who the fuck would sit around on their fat ass all day coloring-in comic book pages if they had anything better to do with their lives?]]
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Christian's hobbies include creating ''[[My Little Pony]]'' figures with his own pubes (including himself as a pony wearing a Sonichu medallion), [[Chris-chan/Megan_Saga|stalking women at the mall]], finding a "boyfriend-free girl" to "[[rape|make into a Sweetheart from the ground-up]]", drawing (and actually uploading) pictures of himself having [[:Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|sex with multiple, racially diverse women]], [[gay|drawing porn of his hedgehogs]], [[DO NOT WANT|taking naked pictures of himself]], and sexing up a blow-up doll named JULAY (which was originally sold as "Kimmi").
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He also got into big trouble when his father walked in on him while he was [[masturbation|masturbating]]. Chris really needs to grow up and sell his toys on [[eBay]]. However, no one will buy his shit, so a girlfriend-free [[faggot]] he remains forever more.
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"Wow, that's pretty fucked up.... A man in a pickle suit you say?, damn nigga, you got issues." - Freud, Sigmund
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But it gets far worse, my friends...
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==Chris in Person==
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[[Image:Sonichuhead.jpg|thumb|150px|[[DeviantART]] is about to get [[rape]]d.]]
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It is of utmost importance that, before one ever enters a fixed one-mile radius around Christian Weston Chandler's Ruckersville, [[Virginia|VA]] habitat, one is well-acquainted with the facts regarding this man's bleak existence, and the mortal and immediate danger that one's proximity to him represents, both to one's mental and physical well-being. In order to maintain his jaw-droppingly destructive lifestyle, as we will explore, Chris has had to sacrifice many of the normal human customs practiced in modern society, and seems to have synthesized an entirely new list of traits which he believes better-equips him to indulge in his trademark fantastical escapism via invented (read:[[stolen|stolen]]) comic book characters, blow-up sex dolls, and egomania. To wit:
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* He rarely shuts up about Sonichu, the self-endorsed, self-authored and mind-numbing allegory of Chris's life, as viewed through his own massive, 1985-throwback rose-tinted glasses.
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* His skin and hair is covered in a semi-permeable and self-renewing film of grease, not incomparable to an arctic permafrost of dead skin cells and sweat, proving definitively that he never showers.
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* He wears recycled shirts from the Salvation Army and believes it's a cause for gloating. He really believes in recycling. [[semen|That is, he really really really believes in recycling. He recycles everything.]]
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* His scent is a combination of AXE and ASS (oversprayed, of course).
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* He leaves the toilet seat up.
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* HE CAN '''''FEEL THE COSMOS!'''''
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* He is an [[Aspie|aspie]] who is even hated by [[Loser|other aspies.]]
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* In the event that you are able to speak with Chris, you should be prepared to encounter wave after wave of weak, juvenile aspersions cast in the hopes of making you forget just how abysmal Chris's life really is, along with creepy, probing questions about your personal life in regards to relationships with women. This is because Chris is still vainly searching for a girlfriend, years after first causing a [[shitstorm]] by walking into a local mall while in Community College, and advertising his desire for women via hand-held signage.
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*He's also an animal fucker.
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Lastly:
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* Once he starts [[Stalker|stalking]] a woman, he'll tenaciously track her down, even if she's really an IRL troll, a [[4chan|4chan troll]] or just doesn't exist.
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* He ALWAYS [[facepalm|mentions he's a virgin when he meets women]]. (I'm dead [[srs|serious]].)
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{{quote|I want Chris to know that his tits are the envy of my entire girls' locker room.|badgalexy on the ED [[forums]]}}
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===[[IRL]] Stalker===
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[[Image:Emochris.jpg|thumb|150px|Emo-Chris]]
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On [[MySpace]], Chris posted his quest for a "boyfriend-free girl" and his stalking tendencies. Unfortunately for him, [[Truth|every woman on the planet appears to have a boyfriend.]] This has led to what Chris dubs "noviophobia" — in Chris's bastardized highschool Spanish interpretation, he inserts "novio" which essentially means boyfriend, before the Greek root phobia, committing a [[facepalm]]-worthy [[portmanteau]] that is almost nonsensical enough to make you forget that of all things in the world, Chris has a paralyzing fear of '''''boyfriends'''''. Chris claims to hate every male besides himself and his father, because they [[BAWWWW|"took all the pretty girls leaving [him] with no one to choose from"]].
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<center>
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{{morphquote|ChrisQuotes|text-align:center;border:10px solid #cccccc;width:600px;height:330px;-moz-border-radius:35px;-webkit-border-radius:35px;background-color:eggwhite;padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px|font-weight:bold
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|Where did it start? I started when my life-long friend, [[Chris-chan/People#Sarah Hammer|Sarah Hammer]], a [[Whore|very pretty girl]], was taken away from me by this [[wtf|Magician]] Jerk, [[Pickup Artist|Wes Iseli]]. At first, I was naive about their relationship. Later on, in [[last thursday|spring of 2003]], I [[Rape|tried to pick up a girl]] in a class I was taking at Piedmont Virginia Community College, but she told me right-off, that SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND! And [[trolled|it was like that with every other girl who I talked to since then]]. Thus, I developed my Noviophobia(mentioned above).|Chris-chan spills the beans
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|I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion. | Chris begins his search for a boyfriend-free girl.
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|As for [[Chris-chan/People#Wes_Iseli|Wes]], I [[LOL WUT|blame all of these happenings on him]]. [[Butthurt|If he had not taken my life-long friend away from me,]] [[no|I might have a Pretty Girlfriend today]]. And I would not have had to set out on endeavoring [[fail|LOVE]] QUEST!|CWC is foiled in his perennial search for companionship
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|Chris Chan is destoyer of slanderous LULZ; take that, Encyclopedia Dramatica.|The long-baleeted ''MySpace.com/sonichucwc''}}
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</center>
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[[Image:Mary lee walsh pic IRL.JPG|thumb|left|150px|Mary Lee Walsh [[IRL|in real life]].]]
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[[Image:0706-CWCMegan1.jpg|thumb|150px|[[Chris-chan/People#Megan_Schroeder|Megan]] shows us how
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[[Sarcasm|pleasant an experience it truly is]] being in the presence of [[Chris-chan|Mr. Weston Chandler]]. Note the fear in her eyes.]]
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[[Image:ChrisisNOTGAY.jpg|thumb|150px|Chris is totally [[NOT GAY]]!!!]]
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He employed his famous "looking for a boyfriend-free girl" sign in two places: the [[Chris-chan/Places#The_Fashion_Square_Mall|Fashion Square Shopping Center]] and [[Chris-chan/Places#Piedmont_Virginia_Community_College|Piedmont Virginia Community College]]. The dean, [[Chris-chan/People#Mary_Lee_Walsh|Mary Lee Walsh]], reasonably assumed that Chris was [[Larry Craig|publicly soliciting for sex,]] had the sign destroyed and banned him from the school for a year. Since then, he became obsessed with her and depicts her within his comic as a bald witch with a viking helmet, a pitchfork, a scepter to contain her evil anti-love powers, and occasionally a broomstick.
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Chris has also shown his hatred towards Mary on several other occasions. He made a hilarious [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nrvreL3hdc video] asking for fictional character Harvey Dirdban's (not Birdman) assistance to fight "THAT EVIL BITCH MARY LEE WALSH FOREVAR!!1" in a contest for Adult Swim. He also made a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgEQINfsJSM video] of him fighting Mary Lee Walsh as a custom character in ''Soul Calibur III''. Despite his hate for Walsh, he still took the time with his Magic Markers to make [[DO NOT WANT|hideous]] [[porn]] of her. [http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/0/0c/MaryWantsIt.JPG You know you want to see it.]
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Chris's [[faggotry|Love Quest]] was also foiled by Security Guards of Fashion Square Shopping Center. He was [[partyvan|handcuffed and kicked out]] by [[the man|Jerkops]] ([[I_see_what_you_did_there|half jerk, half cops]]) "for trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free Girl".
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Christian claims to have started his [[fail|ill-begotten]] love quest because [[Fritzl|he wants a daughter]] whom he will "dubly" call Crystal Weston Chandler (apparently after the illustrious [[wut|metal]]). He made her in the form of one of his ''[[My Little Pony]]'' figures (from his own pubic hair, mind you), and made a separate file in the game ''Animal Crossing'', and [[wut|played as her]].
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The person we know the most about is [[Chris-chan/Megan Saga|Megan Schroeder]] (note the Jewish name, a sign that [[Jew Gold|gold]] is involved), who had a huge influence on the comic and Chris himself. She remarked that the antagonist of one of the ''Sailor Moon'' movies came off as "kind of queer", possibly influencing Chris's [[homophobia]].
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One example of the Chris-induced drama is the blog entry where [[Chris-chan/People#Anna_McLerran|a girl]] describes her encounter with Chris as he was [[Stalker|wandering stores in search]] of his true love in late 2004, which can be viewed [[Chris-chan/thecrazypacer|here]].
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Chris changes love interests far more frequently than he changes his underwear; [[Some argue|it is speculated]] that he has fallen in "true love" [[over 9,000]] times. '''You could be next.'''
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===Trolled [[IRL]]===
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[[Troll]]ing of Chris-chan has crossed the OL border into to IRL. Whether internet vigilantes are trying to expose him for the psycho stalker he really is or if they [[fap]] to picking on retards, it's uncertain.
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*[[Chris-chan/Places#The_GAMe_PLACe|The Game Place]], a store where he volunteered, was soon subject to his antics when [[anon]] took several photos of him. [[Fail|Nothing notable arose from this,]] other than mild lulz. [[Chris-chan/Quotes#The_Game_Place|CLICK here]] for Chris BAWWWing.
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*An old classmate of Chris, [[Chris-chan/People#Joshua_Martinez|Joshua Martinez]], did some epic trolling. We don't actually know very much about Joshua, just a few key facts. Chris knew him from his old school (Joshua and Chris both had [[Special Ed]] together), recently met up with him again and was getting along fine. [[Lie|Apparently, Joshua was very popular with women and had met some famous celebrities.]] For some reason, Chris became extremely jealous and even tried to get ED to go after him. Note that Chris only values Joshua's friendship because he's popular with women, and that by being friends with him he might end up laid. Unfortunately for Chris, even other special education kids will fuck with him. The chick that Joshua was supposed to hook him up with was just Joshua trolling him with a picture of [[Vanessa Hudgens]]. [[Chris-chan/Quotes#Fake_Chick|CLICK HERE]] for Chris-chan unwittingly fapping to Joshua.
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[[Image:Cwcnipplecripple.PNG|thumb|150px|Autistic flirting techniques: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VciJBxDGcV4&feature=channel_page The CWC Nipple Cripple.]]]
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*[[Chris-chan/People#Hanna|A girl IRL]], possibly unrelated to ED or 4chan, tried to troll Chris-chan for the lulz. [[Chris-chan/Quotes#Troll_Chick|CLICK HERE]] to see Chris-chan get taken down to 15%.
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*Though trolling in this next case started online, it quickly moved into IRL. Chris had started a relationship with an e-girlfriend called [[Chris-chan/People#Blanca_Weiss|Blanca]]. On [[9/11|September 11]], 2008, another troll going by the same name was really a [http://www.myspace.com/kawaiikitsune123 black man in a pickle costume] and managed to score horrific nudes. [http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/thumb/0/0e/CWCPEEEBUTT.JPG/450px-CWCPEEEBUTT.JPG WARNING: What's seen cannot be unseen.]
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*[http://rapidshare.com/files/151630154/cumuppence.flv.html Watch Chris masturbate.] No, srsly don't do it. On October 7, 2008, Blanca managed to get the medallions and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-TP2wCucZo destroy them].
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=== Chris Chan: Master of Race Relations ===
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As a basement dweller from Bumfuck, [[Virginia]], it's a [[lie|huge surprise]] that CWC is very, VERY [[racist]]. On his blog, Chris denies his racism by stating he only dislikes [[Barack Obama]] for being an [[Arab]] [[terrorist]], and: "It's the WHITE house; we don't endorse people painting it different colors around here." Chris also believes that 99% of the [[Earth]] is ruled by [[Adolf Hitler|dictators]]. In several of his videos, he asked to meet [[Lesbian|non-boyfriended]], non-[[There are no niggers on the Internet|black]] girls. You can find the racist blog of faggotry here: [http://cwcsonichu.livejournal.com/]
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==CWC vs. ED==
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Upon discovering [http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&oldid=1997315032 this article on the 10th of November], Chris suffered a severe case of [[butthurt]] and declared war on every site mocking his [[Bullshit|Truth]] and [[faggotry|Honesty]]. As with everything in his life, Chris failed.
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[[Image:CWCAnniversarybanner.jpg|thumb|400px|center|CWC laments.]]
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[[Image:CWC preview button.JPG|thumb|150px|How do I use preview buttan?]]
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[[Image:CWCHTML.JPG|thumb|150px|He took two [[CSIII|HTML classes]]...]]
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[[Image:CWCHTML2.JPG|thumb|150px|...and it shows!]]
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At first, Chris tried tampering with this article while logged in as [[User:Reldnahc|Reldnahc]] which is obviously "Chandler" (his last name) [[nice try|spelled backwards]]. Before erasing the entire article, Chris [http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Special:Contributions&limit=500&target=Reldnahc actually contributed] by adding information that he hadn’t submitted anywhere else. Most of his additions were chunks of text from uncited sources which included how [[Chris-chan/Megan Saga|Megan]] [[:Image:Sonichu_heartbroken.jpg|“shattered his heart”]], and printouts of the ''[[Wut|Sonichu News Dash]]'': a shitty newsletter about his comic which he also distributed at [http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan/Places#Piedmont_Virginia_Community_College PVCC] that landed him in another apparent conflict with Mary Lee Walsh.
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To make matters worse, he also [[facepalm|uploaded Rule 34 of his own characters]]. All of his additions to the article can be found [http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&oldid=1997319059 here]
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Later, when the context of the article finally dawned on Chris, he [[Crazy|snapped]]. He created another account, [[User:Chris-chan|Chris-chan]], and tried [[BLANKING IN PROGRESS|blanking the page]] several times.
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CWC [[Nice try|blames Encyclopedia Dramatica]] for breaking up the relationship between him and Megan despite the fact that [[Truth|she was never his girlfriend]]. Just another lying attempt to make [[Impossible|ED feel guilty about something]].
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In this <strike>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7ltfmA8WXc video]</strike> BALEETED, Chris congratulated all his non-existent ''Sonichu'' fans whom he mistakenly believed brought ED down and further urged them not to donate to ED while [[Fail|failing]] to realize that ED's downtime was due to an issue related to the website as a whole, and not related to any drama around his article.
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Chris's plea for his fans to not donate to ED failed because the only people who pay any attention to Chris are precisely the ones who helped ED reach its donation goal Aug-14-2008.
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== CWC vs. ED Parte Deux ==
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[[Last Thursday]], Chrissy posted a video onto the tubes declaring yet another war against his ED page, demanding that the [[Delete Fucking Everything|page and discussion page be deleted]], or else he wouldn't be making any more of his sweet, sweet comics for his fans to [[fap|enjoy]]. He then stated that much like the old adage: "Too many [[cocks|cooks]] spoil the [[cum|broth]]", ED had too many [[I see what you did there|CROOKS]]. And that "every single word on his ED page [[lol wut|was a crook]]".
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After standing in an anime pose with his fist in the air, Chris then hulked the fuck out and proceeded to [[awesome|beat the shit out of]] a Raggedy Ann doll with a picture of [[Shit was so cash|Clyde Cash]] taped to its face, and that moar RAAAAAAAGE would follow if his ED page wasn't [[Unrealistic Expectations|taken down posthaste]].
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The [[Cock|beast]] can be unleashed [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X02mQycxqSw here].
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<center><youtube>zBXMu2zPL04</youtube></center>
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Chris has a very special message to all those who have trolled [[Retard|him]].
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==CWCville==
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[[Image:Cwcvillageidiot.JPG||thumb|150px|left|Finally on Wikipedia!!]]
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[[Image:Chris-Chan-BABYGOTBACK.jpg|thumb|150px|Baby got Back!]]
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[[Image:True_love.jpg|thumb|150px|An artist's rendering of Chris and his true love, Julie.]]
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[[Image:Gordon2.PNG|thumb|150px|[[Pringles|Gordon]] for President of CWCville.]]
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'''CWCville''' (Pronounced: Quick-ville) is Chris-chan's imaginary world. Considering how it's portrayed, its full name could be the ''Our Glorious Leader's True and Honest Lovers' City of CWCville'', in a way similar to the [http://www.korea-dpr.com/ Democratic People's Republic of Korea].
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CWCville is actually two things: a fictional setting for the [[Chris-chan/Sonichu|''Sonichu'' comic]], and Chris's long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an imaginary refuge from the harsh reality. The two things overlap very much. It's sort of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it's a disturbingly cheerful place where Chris's bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and [[sex|fuck]] for his amusement exactly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the wayside just as quickly; nobody's quite sure what becomes of them, but knowing Chris it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below the Mayor's house.
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In the ''Sonichu'' comic book world, the town is allegedly located in the state of [[Virginia]], but being a figment of Chris Chan's imagination, it will never be found on an actual map. Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and economically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States. In this city, Chris Chan is a despotic mayor, where he controls everything at his own will and dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.
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Inside the comic, CWCville is at a fierce rivalry with neighboring city of "Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens." It is under constant attack from the evil forces of Dean [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and her army of [[cops|Jerkops]].
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===CWCville Elections===
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Around the same time these [[lulz|lulzy and exploitable]] events occurred, another unfunny gag started when some [[retard|bright, intelligent member of YouTube]] decided to make a video declaring [[Billy Mays|Billy Mays]] the new mayor of [[hell|CWCVille]]. The only problem with the joke was that Billy Mays is now about as funny as Chuck Norris or a Mudkip macro on 4chan. Thus, "Billy Mays for Mayor of CWCville" became a [[unfunny|meme]] with a shitload of videos trailing in its wake. If that weren't enough, the whole mock election expanded to other memes like [[Gordon the Pringles Giraffe]] and will soon spread to Pedobear for President and Chris Hansen for vice president (GET IT? IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT IS CONFLICTING AND THEREFORE HUMOROUS, SOMEBODY FUCKING DO THIS). Under the assumption that he'd be getting his PSN back, Christian stated that Billy Mays was in fact, mayor of CWCville. As always, Christian's reaction will only make things even worse, so be prepared for even more Billy Mays posters being plastered onto YouTube accounts.
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[[Image:Cwcillings.jpg|center|thumb|300px|The hit list.]]
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June 28, 2009, just days after [[Michael Jackson]] died at age 50 of a heart attack, Billy Mays also died at age 50 of a heart attack.  Despite being in his 80s, [[Chris-chan/People#Jimmy_Hill|Jimmy Hill]] is still alive so he has been hailed as the new mayor of CWCville despite a rumoured attempted military coup by Chris.
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==Chris-chan the Moralfag==
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[[Image:Aiko-Chris%27s_New_Bird.jpg|thumb|150px|''"Do not lie with a blow-up doll as one lies with a woman; that is detestable."'' ~ JUULLLAAAYYYYY]]
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After seeing a [[shit|hilarious]] episode of ''[[Family Guy]]'', where Chris-chan didn't get that he was being parodied for his [[moralfag|moralfaggotry]], he decided to share his hatred of the gays with the [[Bible|Holy Bible]]. To do this, he quoted the book of [[Dianetics|Leviticus]], which is the biblical equivalent of [[goatse]], which reinforces how men should not engage in [[buttsecks]] lest they be smited to the pits of hell to be raped by [[Satan|the Devil]] and his minions for eternity (and also that men cannot shave, wear underwear with elastic straps, or crossbreed animals).
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{{quote|I'm not saying I'm dumb...or naive.|Chris, in the process of being both.}}
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Unbeknownst to Chris, prolific hater of all things not Christian, 89% percent of the users trolling Chris-chan are [[Muslim]]s. In another blow to Chris's moral credibility, [[facepalm|he also decided to pick up a book on how to talk to the opposite sex...written by a 9-year-old boy]]. As the kid wrote it on how to talk to girls of his age, [[Party Van|party vans]] descending on Ruckersville are imminent.
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==[[DO NOT WANT|Sex Life]]==
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[[Image:ChrisChanDamageControl.jpg|thumb|left|150px|[[Chris Hansen]] wants you to have a seat over there, Chris.]]
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[[Image:Cwcraep.jpg|thumb|150px|It's pretty much a given.]]
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[[Image:SonichuPedo.JPG|thumb|left|150px|Stoopid [[loli|child porn]] laws...]]
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His Sex Life (If you can call it that) includes, among other arousing phenomena, [[Dying alone|fucking an anime blow-up doll]] and screaming "''JULAAAY!''" at the top of his lungs.
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{{quote|But anyway as I was saying you know, just as you know, when you masturbate, you don't have to use your fingers, you could like, uh, find something that's like, you could use like a banana, or a pickle, I mean, it would be a waste of a fruit, but if you used a banana, [[lolwut|you could still eat the insides]].|Chris-chan|on sticking things up his butthole.}}
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Chris wrote to ''[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Image:Nintendochris.JPG Nintendo Power]'' in April of 2005 to discuss the DS game ''Sprung'': A horrible dating simulator, and was overjoyed to discover that they published his email. According to him, it was a "free personal", and he expects that it being published will somehow [[Fail|increase his chance of finding a woman]].
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In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly rambling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that he is [[not gay]]. Despite these statements, Chris's sexuality remains questionable, as he owns a [[dildo]] and [[:Image:Anal Beads.jpg|anal beads]] and rambles on about sticking things in his ass while he masturbates. In his list of people he would not date, he lists autistics, high functioning or otherwise. Thus, Chris is also a self-loathing [[faggot|flaming faggot]] trying desperately to stay in the closet. [[Ted Haggard|And we all know homophobes are closeted gays themselves.]]
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Chris appears to be stuck in a [[virgin|strange, child-like mentality]] where he feels guilty when discussing sex. Because of this, he is forced to use different words, like "pickle" for dick, "[[rape|hanky-panky]]" for sex, "boyfriend-free" for single, among other things. He started buying sex toys and porno videos back in 2006, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically [[Chris-chan/Megan Saga|Megan]] and a recent troll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. When Megan claimed to be [[Friend Zone|uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex]], Chris goes into full detail of how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from pornography.
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In recent audio recordings, we have discovered a lot about Chris's sexuality. Namely, he thinks that gender stereotypes, dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "This might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the audio recordings has him describing his ideal "first time", which is [[Fail|intricate, overly dramatic and mildly retarded]]. This and many other disturbing things can be read [[User:OrangeMarmalade|here]].
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Chris-chan is also a fan of teh [[loli]], as evident by his Rule 34 fan art of [[furry|Dot Warner]], Misty from ''[[Pokemon]]'' and [[Family Guy|Meg Griffin]].
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==Gallery of Horrors==
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{{:Chris-chan/Chrischangalleries}}
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<center><big><big>'''PROTIP'''</big></big>: If [[you]] want to add a picture, go [[Chris-chan/Chrischangalleries|HERE]], and make sure to put it under the '''right section'''.</center>
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==Signs of Insanity==
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[[Image:Homobad.JPG|thumb|150px|left|Remember, stay straight, kids!]]
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*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/M20g7MWCNa5/Chris-chan-Fanta-and-Cum.html Chris drinks his jizz for Ivy!]
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*[http://www.mediafire.com/?9zgntjn3tl5 Spank dat ass!]
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*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/BiQqrpqIPub/Chris-chan-takes-a-Shower.html Chrissy in the shower!]
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*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/7hZAzJutuSx/Chris-chan-completely-different.html Chris goes insane nude]
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*[http://www.mediafire.com/?d412jzmv2jx/ Chris makes love to his video game console!]
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{{clear}}
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==See Also==
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[[Image:Cwc-gormley.gif|150px|thumb|[[Mark Gormley|Gormley]]-Chan]]
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*[[4chan]]
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*[[Aspierations]]
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*[[Desperate]]
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*[[Gοrdon the Pringles Giraffe]]
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*[[fanboi]]
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*[[Flardox]]
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*[[Prince Jeremy]]
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*[[Spax3]]
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*[[Victim complex]]
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*[[Fat]]
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*[[Retarded]]
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*[[Pathetic]]
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*[[Virgin]]
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*[[Dying Alone]]
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*[[An hero]] we can always wait
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*[[The Real Chris Chan]]
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*[[Chris-Chan/Psychological_Report]]
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*[[Taking Down ED]]
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<big>Other Notable Retards with Sonic ReColors</big>
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<br />
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*[[Blazesonic]]
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*[[Chasethehedgehog]]
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*[[Spax3]]
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*[[Sonmanic]] (doesn't have a recolor, but still lol worthy none the less)
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*[[Ulrichthehedgehog]]
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==Links==
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<big>'''PROTIP'''</big> If [[you]] wish to add a link, go here: [[Template:Chrischanlinks]].
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{{Chrischanlinks}}
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==MOAR==
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[[Billy Mays|But wait, there's more!]] We're talking could-be-its-own-awful-TV-miniseries moar. Scroll to the top and check that navbar template, but take it slow, [[divide by zero|there's a lot to comprehend]].
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Captain Chris Chan, he's our hero, he bumps the post count, to six-times zero,
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He likes to go to boards, and trolls 'em out, Chris-chan shows what's the internet all about...
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SERIOUS BUSINESS? BUT YOU GET BANT, AND STILL ENJOY DOING YOUR WORK.
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[[Category:People]]
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[[Category:Events]]

Revision as of 05:12, 21 March 2010

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